The heavy traffic of wedding season is now upon us.  Fond memories of weddings past conjure up images of kisses and toasts.  Many times the former is a direct result of the later. Ad nauseum.  I have not pinpointed the reason why this bothers me.  The reception room is filled with the cheerful clinking of glasses by utensil, groom kisses bride, bride kisses groom.  All I can ever think is “please, just let them eat!“.  I have no idea where this custom originated but am hoping that it is contained and quickly eradicated the world over.

Aside from the dollar-dance, it is the lack of toasting know-how that disgruntles me.  Toasting is not unique to weddings of course so the following simple rules apply to any occasion:

If you happen to be the person to whom the toast is hailed, please do not drink.  Do not clink your glass.  Simply smile and nod your head graciously.
When a toast is made to someone other than yourself, raise your glass for the duration of the toast and sip while making eye contact with those seated around you.  You do not need to clink your glass with another person.  This tradition originated a couple hundred years ago to ward off evil spirits.  If you think you’ve been seated next to Linda Blair at your sister-in-law’s cousin’s wedding (and who hasn’t), then pray the evil spirits away.
Please keep your knife for cutting the dry chicken breast and your spoon for the ice cream.  Do not use your eating utensil for incessantly pinging your glass in an effort to witness exhaustive couple smooching.

Now…about that dollar-dance.  Don’t do it!  This little tradition is tacky and akin to nothing less than the exploitation of your guests.  Even worse, it is reflective of the world’s oldest profession (you know what I’m referring to).  Let’s keep the bridal image as it should be. Pure and innocent.  I realize this might be a stretch for some but let’s allow her this image for just one day, shall we?


K. Martini