Proms  are age specific.  Sometimes I wish they weren’t.    If you are one of the fortunate girls who went to prom with someone you actually liked (or puppy loved), I congratulate you!!   I, on the other hand, was not THAT girl. Although I had a modest amount of popularity, I was forced to attend prom with boy-men I did not like.  I will not name names but it is very tempting.  Time for the story and lesson…

My goal was to be able to attest in my old age that I attended all the proms I was able to. It was a numbers game for me. This is a sad and sobering fact. While I was successful in achieving my goal, I can honestly say that I did not enjoy any of them.  The worst night was when I went with the captain of the basketball team.  Understand I was doomed from the beginning.  He was 6′ 8″. I, on the other hand, was 4′ 11″.  As you visualize us romantically dancing to “Color my World”, do the math and form your own slide show.  Yes, I was hugging his pelvic region.  And…I did not like him.  The blessing of this horrid event was this was the first and last dance for us.  Partly because I was in a leg cast from a tragic cheerleading try-out mishap.  Bad week.  I did not make the squad and I went to prom with a giant.  Oh yes…and I had to crutch my way across the 18-hole golf course in a virginal white dress because he did not want to pay the $1 valet parking fee.  I want a do-over.

Boy-men of the prom world…take heed of the following:

Ask the girl of your dreams early.  6 weeks before the big event is about right.  Understand that your steely nerves will be tested.  Understand that she might say “no”.  All of this will makes sense later when you realize at 35 years of age that the experience has made you stronger.  The six-week time-frame will allow you to adjust your expectations and ask the next girl on your list. And so on…

Budget.  The six-letter word that you know nothing about unless you are on the chess club.  FYI…chess club guys inevitably become the guy’s of our dreams!  These shin-digs can become costly. Get creative and think of those things that are important; her corsage (wrist, no pins), the cool duds (rental unless you know Donald Trump), dinner (do not even consider the buffet line with florescent lighting).  Transportation is big unless you own a dope car.  (I am trying to fill the gender gap here.)   Motorcycles are not an option.  Yes,  I arrived at the country club on a crotch rocket for Prom #2.  At least I wasn’t wearing white.  The point here is to save your money and plan accordingly.

 Use the common sense God gave you. Drive carefully – she’s someone’s cherished daughter or sister.  Don’t drink alcohol or use drugs.  This could be really hard; dig deep.   Believe it or not, the girls secret  is to have a guy that she can trust and will protect her.

Arrive on time and get her home when promised.

Tell her she is beautiful.  You cannot possibly imagine  the time it took her to get ready for this night.  She’s planned, primped and re-primped to near exhaustion.  She’s spent countless hours in stores  and on the phone with her friends ensuring she is the best she can be.  Please acknowledge  it with genuine feeling!  She will carry that moment with her forever.

 Plan on spending time with the parentals.  Practice your winning smile in the mirror for the much anticipated photo op’s.  Trust me (again), these photos will bring you years of joy and even more chuckles. Shake her parents hands firmly and with confidence. Look them in the eye when speaking to them. They need to know that the trust they are placing with you is well deserved.

Introduce her to your friends but don’t abandon her! 

Have fun! 

Don’t paw at her or expect anything in return. You know what I mean.  Man up.

Dance. Dance a lot.  If you don’t know how, practice.  The ‘ole sway & turn move still works. Listen to Paramore ” The Only Exception” for practice.

 Thank all those who planned the Prom. Your big event took many man hours to plan and execute.  Thank those involved;  classmates, school principal & personnel, etc.  You will stand out as a man of character.

After Parties.  This is not the time to let loose with abandon. Have fun but keep in mind that most disasters occur during the after-party.  If not handled properly, you could find your reputation scared and “your girl” wishing she had gone with someone else.

When the evening is over, thank her.  Even if you had a lousy time and went with a 6’8″ girl and you are 4’11”, thank her! Walk her to the door.  Better yet, open the car door for her to.  Chivalry must not die.  It is still cool!  She will remember you for being that guy she was stupid enough to let get away. That is unless you stalk her on Facebook or text her until she has to change her phone number.

Develop the pics and hand them to your mother.  She will save them fondly and use them for the slide show at your wedding to the girl of your dreams.  WARNING:  It might not be that girl.

I have no illusions of grandeur in thinking that prom-aged boy-men read this blog.  However, we might have a brother, nephew, neighbor, etc. that falls into that category.  Pass this along…it might save you the task of having to communicate to them directly.  This would make you passive-aggressive.   That’s ok…it’s a minor faux pas at best.

Clearly, I have no modesty.  See below.  PLEASE…do not ask me what years these were taken!  Hard to believe I could not find the basketball player photo.


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