In my lifetime, I’ve known three individuals within my circle of friends, family and acquaintances that could clear a room within 15 seconds.  This uncanny ability is not due to any phenomenal skill other than the uncontrollable human affliction of noxious gas expulsion.  It so happens that this community of peeps is of the male persuasion and find the act uproariously entertaining.  I’ve yet to understand if the hilarity is due to embarrassment, reactions elicited in the nearby victims or a flaw in the gender.  Either way, blatant offenses such as these need to be addressed.  While your vapors may seem whimsical and sportive, you will not win points from the sitting ducks in the room.

The following Faux Pas rules apply to all regardless of gender.


Your body naturally provides a warning signal.  IT DOES.  Heed the warning and kindly exit the room prior to release.


Do not giggle like a schoolgirl.  It is sophomoric.


Should you not heed the warning of Toot Rule #1 and you discharge your aroma in public, don’t apologize.  Merely say “Excuse me”.  This must be uttered with sincerity; not with exaggerated drama.


You have approximately 15 seconds before gas meets air.  20 seconds if you happen to be wearing pants.  Should you ignore Toot Rule #1, you still have a small window of opportunity to escape to a safe (devoid of human life) location.

I could go into granular detail on toots in elevators, toots at work, toots at the theater, etc.  I won’t.  Let me instead leave you with this nugget of wisdom:

” A peace is of the nature of a conquest; for then both parties nobly are subdued and neither party loser”. 

William Shakespeare

Bill was obviously a polite tooter.

K. Martini